Balancing my Desire for Spontaneous Intimacy While Pursuing a Meaningful Relationship
Being a homosexual male approaching 50, my life has involved many, mostly pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a serious relationship which continued for four years, but it never fully satisfied me, because I felt neither loved nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Whenever I start to date a potential partner, when the initial excitement fades, an impulse arises to be intimate with other men again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating whether it's possible for me to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that numerous gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, yet from my observations, they appear like hard work, often causing significant heartache and envy among all parties. In many ways, I desire a partner to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I dread to imagine the psychological toll this would cause. Should I just continue to have casual sex and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel a bit lost.
Each individual's sexual journey fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your ability to handle various forms of sexual unions in a finite way. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change in the future; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or perhaps not. One day you might meet a person offering a transformative opportunity to you through mirroring your desires completely … and later on you might decide that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and engaging in endless speculation is simply anxiety-based and a waste of your efforts. Try to be present in your relationships, and see the value of every individual you connect with intimately a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to deepen genuine closeness with a single person, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist is a US-based therapy professional who specialises in treating intimacy issues.
