The Advice from A Parent Which Rescued Us when I became a First-Time Father

"In my view I was simply in survival mode for a year."

One-time Made In Chelsea star Ryan Libbey expected to handle the challenges of becoming a dad.

Yet the reality rapidly became "very different" to his expectations.

Severe health problems during the birth caused his partner Louise hospitalised. Abruptly he was thrust into acting as her main carer in addition to caring for their newborn son Leo.

"I handled each nighttime feed, every nappy change… each outing. The duty of both parents," Ryan shared.

After 11 months he burnt out. That was when a conversation with his father, on a park bench, that led him to understand he couldn't do it alone.

The straightforward words "You are not in a good spot. You need support. What can I do to support you?" created an opening for Ryan to talk openly, look for assistance and start recovering.

His experience is not uncommon, but seldom highlighted. While society is now more comfortable discussing the strain on moms and about PND, not enough is spoken about the challenges dads encounter.

Seeking help isn't a weakness to ask for help

Ryan believes his struggles are symptomatic of a broader inability to talk between men, who often hold onto negative notions of masculinity.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the fortress that just gets hit and stays upright time and again."

"It is not a show of weakness to seek help. I didn't do that soon enough," he clarifies.

Therapist Dr Jill Domoney, a specialist specialising in mental health before and after childbirth, explains men frequently refuse to acknowledge they're struggling.

They can feel they are "not justified to be seeking help" - especially ahead of a mother and child - but she highlights their mental well-being is equally important to the family.

Ryan's chat with his dad gave him the chance to ask for a break - taking a short trip away, outside of the home environment, to gain perspective.

He realised he had to make a change to consider his and his partner's emotions in addition to the logistical chores of looking after a newborn.

When he shared with Louise, he realised he'd missed "what she was yearning" -holding her hand and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That realisation has changed how Ryan sees parenthood.

He's now composing Leo regular notes about his experiences as a dad, which he wishes his son will look at as he gets older.

Ryan thinks these will help his son to more fully comprehend the vocabulary of emotion and interpret his decisions as a father.

The notion of "parenting yourself" is something artist Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since fathering his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

As a child Stephen did not have consistent male a father figure. Despite having an "incredible" connection with his dad, deep-held emotional pain resulted in his father found it hard to cope and was "present intermittently" of his life, complicating their connection.

Stephen says bottling up feelings resulted in him make "poor decisions" when in his youth to change how he was feeling, finding solace in substance use as escapism from the anguish.

"You turn to behaviours that aren't helpful," he notes. "They may briefly alter how you feel, but they will ultimately cause more harm."

Advice for Coping as a New Father

• Talk to someone - when you are swamped, tell a trusted person, your spouse or a professional what you're going through. It can help to lighten the load and make you feel less isolated.
• Maintain your passions - keep doing the pursuits that made you feel like you before having a baby. It could be going for a run, seeing friends or playing video games.
• Don't ignore the physical health - eating well, staying active and where possible, resting, all play a role in how your emotional health is coping.
• Spend time with other parents in the same boat - listening to their journeys, the difficult parts, and also the positive moments, can help to validate how you're feeling.
• Remember that asking for help is not failure - prioritising your own well-being is the most effective way you can support your household.

When his father eventually died by suicide, Stephen naturally had difficulty processing the loss, having been out of touch with him for a long time.

Now being a father himself, Stephen's resolved not to "repeat the pattern" with his own son and instead give the safety and emotional guidance he did not receive.

When his son starts to have a tantrum, for example, they try "releasing the emotion" together - expressing the emotions safely.

Both Ryan and Stephen state they have become improved and more well-rounded men because they acknowledged their pain, changed how they express themselves, and taught themselves to regulate themselves for their sons.

"I am now more capable of… sitting with things and dealing with things," explains Stephen.

"I put that down in a message to Leo recently," Ryan says. "I expressed, at times I believe my purpose is to teach and advise you on life, but in reality, it's a two-way conversation. I am understanding an equal amount as you are on this path."